My Blog Has Moved

I've had my WordPress account as long as this one, and was always planning on moving. Now I have. Hopefully the format is easier on the eyes for reading my lengthy essays. Don't forget to change my address on your blogroll:

http://soimarriedacatholic.wordpress.com

My Son's Baptism

My son was baptized today, the first Sunday of Lent. This was a different experience for me than my daughter's baptism two years ago. At her baptism, which was during the Easter Vigil, I can remember thinking, "I know this is special. I know this is supposed to mean something." I tried to cherish the moment, but in all honesty it was lost on me.

Although like at any other organized group event I was flustered and my head was spinning, I approached Chris Jr.'s baptism with a more secure knowledge in what was actually going on. I knew what we were asking for when we asked the priest to baptize him, and I wanted it this time. All this mad research I've been doing since beginning blogging has been invaluable to get me to this point.

Take, for example, my post on grace and free will. In summation, the Catholic stance on these matters is that we can do nothing without God's help. We cannot even turn to God without His grace, yet we can at any time reject His grace in our lives by our own will. So if you apply the concept of our utter dependence on God's grace to a baby, you see that it doesn't matter that they can't make the decision for themselves, because they can't turn to God of their own power anyway. Also, the Catholic affirmation of free will, that we can turn from God and indeed lose our salvation and fall from His grace, silences the protest that a baby's fate has been decided for him.

The Catechism has rather powerful language to describe the event. Baptism is a sacrament in which the grace of justification is conferred. The gift of faith is given gratuitously by God through no proceeding merit on our part. Through Christ by the power of the Holy Spirit on the water, the baptized are "born of water and the Spirit" (John 3:5). We die to this sin and are given new life in Christ (Rom 6:3-6). Sins are washed clean through faith in Christ and by His merit. All sin is forgiven (Acts 2:38), including personal sin and original sin, that sinful nature into which we are born. We are made to belong to the body of Christ. For babies, baptism means original sin is washed clean and they are imprinted with God's gift of faith, with the mark of those who belong to Christ.

I don't pretend that I can fully wrap my brain around such things. The nature of a sacrament is something completely foreign to me. But it is wonderful to be able to appreciate my son's baptism and the real grace of God in his life.

We can ask for God's grace of faith for our child, wash clean the stain of original sin, promise to bring him up in the Faith, and graft him into the body of Christ, with this simple sacrament. Why would anyone not want to give these things to their child? So without reservation, I made the sign of the cross on my son's forehead. I affirmed the Faith, and promised to bring him up in it. I asked the priest to baptize him. And I watched, as he was washed in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, made into a new creature and a little man of God.

I Confess That I Have Sinned...

It seems that of late, God is determined to make of me what He wills, and the process can be rather painful. I spent last night crying because I had hurt someone with a stray comment. My comment was nice to someone who was mean to them, and could be seen as encouragement for it. Besides wounding one of God's precious creatures, I destroyed months of build up in dialogue and mutual respect. My retarded notions that anything I can say would help anyone came crashing down over my head. Why such a big reaction to what may seem to others like a tiny incident? Because I actually care. I care how what I say affects people.

In my last blog post, I said "We never know the effect our words may have on others." This is true in the negative sense as well, and I was not careful enough. The most painful part for me is the realization that although what we say can affect others negatively, I can never say something so that I affect someone in a good way. If anything I do helps another, it is not my work, it is God's work alone. Sinful creature that I am, it's a miracle if God chooses to use me for His work, but I must never presume to do such a thing under my own power. This is my pride crumbling from under me.

This past week, I also had an encounter with a rather hostile group of people. They praise learning, intelligence, and academia. With the thin excuse that maybe my academic achievements might qualify me to be heard by them, I took the opportunity to flaunt what I have always been proud of. I was force fed my pride back to me on a platter. It's a hard thing to swallow.

I don't know if I have the heart to continue in a work that I know myself to be claiming for my own rather than God's. Perhaps I should take time off from blogging this Lent. I know I should skip the rest on my reading list and go straight to Come Be My Light. Mother Teresa seemed painfully aware every step of the way that she could do nothing, that only God could work through her. It's a good lesson for me to learn.

So I ask everyone to pray for me. Please pray that God may utterly destroy this pride I cling to and instead turn my heart to Him alone. Pray that He will check me when I could hurt one of His precious creatures and lead me instead in brotherly love.

Hope is Not Always Deferred

Spending time in the blogosphere, I find a lot of people set in their ways and unwilling to listen. It becomes very discouraging sometimes. I grow to believe that what I say doesn't matter, that it won't make a difference, and nobody ever changes anyway. Then I tell myself: Don't listen to Screwtape!

Your words can encourage and inspire the work of the Holy Spirit in others. I know this, because it has happened to me, to my husband, and to so many converts and those contemplating conversion here online. This is the beautifully written conversion story of Patty Bonds. I cried reading through it because so much that she says ressonates with me. It's beautiful to see Christ's Church embraced and Christ known deeper and more fruitfully. Don't despair. We never know the effect our words may have on others.

To be fair, I will post James White's reaction to her conversion. Both are worth reading.

On Grace and Free Will

Throughout history, the Catholic Church has struggled to convey the balance necessary between grace and free will to her children. The Church Fathers repeatedly dealt with such issues against the Pelagians and the Manicheans. Again at the Reformation, Martin Luther accused the Church of preaching a gospel void of grace and teaching salvation earned by their own merit. He claimed that the good works and free will taught at the time debased the grace of God, even in our ability to turn to Him and seek salvation. Since Luther was a learned professor and monk, I must assume he knew the Church never actually taught in such a way despite what individual Catholics may have done or believed. I then must take all that he said to mean the practices alone of the Church encouraged the attitude he condemned. Yet in decrying these practices, he made the same mistake as heretics before him and affirmed grace to the point of denying free will. He lost the balance the Fathers so carefully struggled to maintain.

Below I will let the Church Fathers in their own beautiful words describe this fine line between grace and free will as maintained by the Catholic Church throughout history. I will also include excerpt from the Councils of Orange and Trent and the Catholic Catechism showing the official teachings on these issues.

The Church Fathers on Grace and Free Will

I have stolen the title of my compilation from Augustine's book On Grace and Free Will. He says about his own book:

There are some persons who suppose that the freedom of the will is denied whenever God's grace is maintained, and who on their side defend their liberty of will so peremptorily as to deny the grace of God. This grace, as they assert, is bestowed according to our own merits. It is in consequence of their opinions that I wrote the book entitled On Grace and Free Will.

Now if faith is simply of free will, and is not given by God, why do we pray for those who will not believe, that they may believe? This it would be absolutely useless to do, unless we believe, with perfect propriety, that Almighty God is able to turn to belief wills that are perverse and opposed to faith.
[Augustine, On Grace and Free Will, Ch. 29]

As far, then, as lay in our power, we have used our influence with them, as both your brethren and our own, with a view to their persevering in the soundness of the catholic faith, Which neither denies free will whether for an evil or a good life, nor attributes to it so much power that it can avail anything without God's grace, whether that it may be changed from evil to good, or that it may persevere in the pursuit of good, or that it may attain to eternal good when there is no further fear of failure.
[Augustine, Letter to Valentinus, No. 215:4]

The freedom of the will is not destroyed by being helped, it is rather helped because it is not destroyed. He who says to God: 'Be thou my helper,' confesses that he wishes to carry out what is commanded, but asks help of Him who gave the command so that he may be able to do it.
[Augustine, Letter to Hilary, No. 157, 2:10]

Now for the commission of sin we get no help from God; but we are not able to do justly, and to fulfill the law of righteousness in every part thereof, except we are helped by God. For as the bodily eye is not helped by the light to turn away therefrom shut or averted, but is helped by it to see, and cannot see at all unless it help it; so God, who is the light of the inner man, helps our mental sight, in order that we may do some good, not according to our own, but according to His righteousness.
[Augustine, On the Merits and Remission of Sins, and the Baptism of Infants, Bk. 2, Ch. 5]

For if any of those who are present should think to tempt God's grace, he deceives himself, and knows not its power. Keep your soul free from hypocrisy, O man, because of Him who searches hearts and reins. For as those who are going to make a levy for war examine the ages and the bodies of those who are taking service, so also the Lord in enlisting souls examines their purpose: and if any has a secret hypocrisy, He rejects the man as unfit for His true service; but if He finds one worthy, to him He readily gives His grace... For as a writing-reed or a dart has need of one to use it, so grace also has need of believing minds... As then it is His part to plant and to water , so it is thine to bear fruit: it is God's to grant grace, but thine to receive and guard it. Despise not the grace because it is freely given, but receive and treasure it devoutly.
[Cyril of Jerusalem, Catechitical, Lecture 1:3]

"No man can come unto Me, except the Father which has sent Me draw Him." (Jn. 6:44) The Manichæans spring upon these words, saying, "that nothing lies in our own power"; yet the expression shows that we are masters of our will. "For if a man comes to Him," says some one, "what need is there of drawing?" But the words do not take away our free will, but show that we greatly need assistance. And He implies not an unwilling comer, but one enjoying much succor.
[John Chrysostom, Homilies on St. John, No. 46:1]

And if by grace, it will be said, how came we all not to be saved? Because ye would not. For grace, though it be grace, saves the willing, not those who will not have it, and turn away from it, who persist in fighting against it, and opposing themselves to it.
[John Chrysostom, Epistle to the Romans, 18:5]

The skill of God, therefore, is not defective, for He has power of the stones to raise up children to Abraham; Matthew 3:9 but the man who does not obtain it is the cause to himself of his own imperfection. Nor, [in like manner], does the light fail because of those who have blinded themselves; but while it remains the same as ever, those who are [thus] blinded are involved in darkness through their own fault. The light does never enslave any one by necessity; nor, again, does God exercise compulsion upon any one unwilling to accept the exercise of His skill. Those persons, therefore, who have apostatized from the light given by the Father, and transgressed the law of liberty, have done so through their own fault, since they have been created free agents, and possessed of power over themselves.
[Irenaeus, Against Heresies, Bk. 4, Ch. 39]

Church Documents and Official teachings on Grace and Free Will

The following are excerpts from the Council of Orange and the Council of Trent and the Catholic Catechism. They show that the Catholic Church does not teach nor has ever taught that humans can merit their own salvation or earn their way to heaven through works. At the same time these documents affirm with the Church Fathers that what we do matters, we have ability to reject God's grace, and we can do His work through His grace therefore not all that we do is sin.

The Canons of the Council of Orange

CANON 6: If anyone says that God has mercy upon us when, apart from his grace, we believe, will, desire, strive, labor, pray, watch, study, seek, ask, or knock, but does not confess that it is by the infusion and inspiration of the Holy Spirit within us that we have the faith, the will, or the strength to do all these things as we ought; or if anyone makes the assistance of grace depend on the humility or obedience of man and does not agree that it is a gift of grace itself that we are obedient and humble, he contradicts the Apostle who says, "What have you that you did not receive?" (1 Cor. 4:7), and, "But by the grace of God I am what I am" (1 Cor. 15:10).

CANON 9: Concerning the succor of God. It is a mark of divine favor when we are of a right purpose and keep our feet from hypocrisy and unrighteousness; for as often as we do good, God is at work in us and with us, in order that we may do so.

CANON 18: That grace is not preceded by merit. Recompense is due to good works if they are performed; but grace, to which we have no claim, precedes them, to enable them to be done.

CANON 20: That a man can do no good without God. God does much that is good in a man that the man does not do; but a man does nothing good for which God is not responsible, so as to let him do it.

CANON 23: Concerning the will of God and of man. Men do their own will and not the will of God when they do what displeases him; but when they follow their own will and comply with the will of God, however willingly they do so, yet it is his will by which what they will is both prepared and instructed.

The Decrees of the Sixth Session of the Council of Trent

Chapter 5: The Synod furthermore declares, that in adults, the beginning of the said Justification is to be derived from the prevenient grace of God, through Jesus Christ, that is to say, from His vocation, whereby, without any merits existing on their parts, they are called; that so they, who by sins were alienated from God, may be disposed through His quickening and assisting grace, to convert themselves to their own justification, by freely assenting to and co-operating with that said grace: in such sort that, while God touches the heart of man by the illumination of the Holy Ghost, neither is man himself utterly without doing anything while he receives that inspiration, forasmuch as he is also able to reject it; yet is he not able, by his own free will, without the grace of God, to move himself unto justice in His sight. Whence, when it is said in the sacred writings: Turn ye to me, and I will turn to you, we are admonished of our liberty; and when we answer; Convert us, O Lord, to thee, and we shall be converted, we confess that we are prevented by the grace of God.

Chapter 8: And whereas the Apostle saith, that man is justified by faith and freely, those words are to be understood in that sense which the perpetual consent of the Catholic Church hath held and expressed; to wit, that we are therefore said to be justified by faith, because faith is the beginning of human salvation, the foundation, and the root of all Justification; without which it is impossible to please God, and to come unto the fellowship of His sons: but we are therefore said to be justified freely, because that none of those things which precede justification-whether faith or works-merit the grace itself of justification. For, if it be a grace, it is not now by works, otherwise, as the same Apostle says, grace is no more grace.

Chapter 10: They, through the observance of the commandments of God and of the Church, faith co-operating with good works, increase in that justice which they have received through the grace of Christ, and are still further justified, as it is written; He that is just, let him be justified still; and again, Be not afraid to be justified even to death; and also, Do you see that by works a man is justified, and not by faith only. And this increase of justification holy Church begs, when she prays, "Give unto us, O Lord, increase of faith, hope, and charity."

Chapter 16: Abound in every good work, knowing that your labour is not in vain in the Lord; for God is not unjust, that he should forget your work, and the love which you have shown in his name; and, do not lose your confidence, which hath a great reward. And, for this cause, life eternal is to be proposed to those working well unto the end, and hoping in God, both as a grace mercifully promised to the sons of God through Jesus Christ, and as a reward which is according to the promise of God Himself, to be faithfully rendered to their good works and merits... Thus, neither is our own justice established as our own as from ourselves; nor is the justice of God ignored or repudiated: for that justice which is called ours, because that we are justified from its being inherent in us, that same is (the justice) of God, because that it is infused into us of God, through the merit of Christ.

Canons of the Council of Trent

CANON 3: If any one saith, that without the prevenient inspiration of the Holy Ghost, and without his help, man can believe, hope, love, or be penitent as he ought, so as that the grace of Justification may be bestowed upon him; let him be anathema.

CANON 4: If any one saith, that man's free will moved and excited by God, by assenting to God exciting and calling, nowise co-operates towards disposing and preparing itself for obtaining the grace of Justification; that it cannot refuse its consent, if it would, but that, as something inanimate, it does nothing whatever and is merely passive; let him be anathema.

CANON 5: If any one saith, that, since Adam's sin, the free will of man is lost and extinguished; or, that it is a thing with only a name, yea a name without a reality, a figment, in fine, introduced into the Church by Satan; let him be anathema.

CANON 9: If any one saith, that by faith alone the impious is justified; in such wise as to mean, that nothing else is required to co-operate in order to the obtaining the grace of Justification, and that it is not in any way necessary, that he be prepared and disposed by the movement of his own will; let him be anathema.

CANON 10: If any one saith, that men are just without the justice of Christ, whereby He merited for us to be justified; or that it is by that justice itself that they are formally just; let him be anathema.

CANON 11: If any one saith, that men are justified, either by the sole imputation of the justice of Christ, or by the sole remission of sins, to the exclusion of the grace and the charity which is poured forth in their hearts by the Holy Ghost, and is inherent in them; or even that the grace, whereby we are justified, is only the favour of God; let him be anathema.

CANON 24: If any one saith, that the justice received is not preserved and also increased before God through good works; but that the said works are merely the fruits and signs of Justification obtained, but not a cause of the increase thereof; let him be anathema.

CANON 25: If any one saith, that, in every good work, the just sins venially at least, or-which is more intolerable still-mortally, and consequently deserves eternal punishments; and that for this cause only he is not damned, that God does not impute those works unto damnation; let him be anathema.

CANON 31: If any one saith, that the justified sins when he performs good works with a view to an eternal recompense; let him be anathema.

CANON 32: If any one saith, that the good works of one that is justified are in such manner the gifts of God, as that they are not also the good merits of him that is justified; or, that the said justified, by the good works which he performs through the grace of God and the merit of Jesus Christ, whose living member he is, does not truly merit increase of grace, eternal life, and the attainment of that eternal life,-if so be, however, that he depart in grace,-and also an increase of glory; let him be anathema.

Excerpts from the Catechism of the Catholic Church

The first work of the grace of the Holy Spirit is conversion, effecting justification in accordance with Jesus' proclamation at the beginning of the Gospel: "Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand." Moved by grace, man turns toward God and away from sin, thus accepting forgiveness and righteousness from on high. "Justification is not only the remission of sins, but also the sanctification and renewal of the interior man.

Justification has been merited for us by the Passion of Christ who offered himself on the cross as a living victim, holy and pleasing to God, and whose blood has become the instrument of atonement for the sins of all men. Justification is conferred in Baptism, the sacrament of faith. It conforms us to the righteousness of God, who makes us inwardly just by the power of his mercy. Its purpose is the glory of God and of Christ, and the gift of eternal life.

Justification establishes cooperation between God's grace and man's freedom. On man's part it is expressed by the assent of faith to the Word of God, which invites him to conversion, and in the cooperation of charity with the prompting of the Holy Spirit who precedes and preserves his assent.

Our justification comes from the grace of God. Grace is favor, the free and undeserved help that God gives us to respond to his call to become children of God, adoptive sons, partakers of the divine nature and of eternal life.

The preparation of man for the reception of grace is already a work of grace. This latter is needed to arouse and sustain our collaboration in justification through faith, and in sanctification through charity. God brings to completion in us what he has begun, "since he who completes his work by cooperating with our will began by working so that we might will it:"

God's free initiative demands man's free response, for God has created man in his image by conferring on him, along with freedom, the power to know him and love him. The soul only enters freely into the communion of love. God immediately touches and directly moves the heart of man. He has placed in man a longing for truth and goodness that only he can satisfy. The promises of "eternal life" respond, beyond all hope, to this desire.

Since it belongs to the supernatural order, grace escapes our experience and cannot be known except by faith. We cannot therefore rely on our feelings or our works to conclude that we are justified and saved. However, according to the Lord's words "Thus you will know them by their fruits" - reflection on God's blessings in our life and in the lives of the saints offers us a guarantee that grace is at work in us and spurs us on to an ever greater faith and an attitude of trustful poverty.

With regard to God, there is no strict right to any merit on the part of man. Between God and us there is an immeasurable inequality, for we have received everything from him, our Creator.

The merit of man before God in the Christian life arises from the fact that God has freely chosen to associate man with the work of his grace. The fatherly action of God is first on his own initiative, and then follows man's free acting through his collaboration, so that the merit of good works is to be attributed in the first place to the grace of God, then to the faithful. Man's merit, moreover, itself is due to God, for his good actions proceed in Christ, from the predispositions and assistance given by the Holy Spirit.

Filial adoption, in making us partakers by grace in the divine nature, can bestow true merit on us as a result of God's gratuitous justice. This is our right by grace, the full right of love, making us "co-heirs" with Christ and worthy of obtaining "the promised inheritance of eternal life." The merits of our good works are gifts of the divine goodness. "Grace has gone before us; now we are given what is due. . . . Our merits are God's gifts."

Since the initiative belongs to God in the order of grace, no one can merit the initial grace of forgiveness and justification, at the beginning of conversion. Moved by the Holy Spirit and by charity, we can then merit for ourselves and for others the graces needed for our sanctification, for the increase of grace and charity, and for the attainment of eternal life. Even temporal goods like health and friendship can be merited in accordance with God's wisdom. These graces and goods are the object of Christian prayer. Prayer attends to the grace we need for meritorious actions.

Announcing my Husband's Blog: Bread of Life

Chris has started a blog, Bread of Life. His first post is up :)

My Ecclesiastic Past in Excrutiating Detail

I often make reference to the bad experiences that I had as a Protestant, so it's only fair that I detail what those experiences were and what I make of them now. Keep in mind, although I know that not all Protestant churches are as self-glorifying, nonsensical, and downright un-Christian as some of the churches I've attended, I believe that the foundation of Protestantism, that is the rejection of earthly authority combined with a reliance on an individual's spirituality or intelligence (either your own or that of the pastor or theologian you esteem), naturally and necessarily gives birth to this kind of Christianity. That said, I warn everyone, this is a long 'un.

The first church I remember attending was a Word of Faith church when I was about four years old. The only things I really remember from that church are the orange tic-tacs the pastor's wife used to give me and this really odd experience in Sunday school. A visiting guitarist told us that we had to speak in tongues as evidence that we were really saved and had the Holy Spirit living in us. I was encouraged to just open my mouth and start talking in my private tongues language. I could not and would not. As a result, for years I thought my salvation was in jeopardy. Recently I told my mom about this and she was horrified, wondering why I had never said anything earlier. Then she related an experience with that church that I don't remember. At some point I no longer wanted to attend my Sunday school class, so my mom came in with me to see what was wrong. She found the Sunday school workers were rebuking the kids in the name of Jesus when we did something wrong! My mom took this up with the pastors and they stopped. Already, by the age of five, I had experienced abuses in Protestantism from individuals using their own interpretations.

We moved, and so joined an Assembly of God church. The only thing I remember from this church is that I wasn't given the role I wanted in the church production. I remember I wanted a dancing part, but my sister warned me not to try for it since she knew the daughter and friend of the Sunday school leader would get the part. I stubbornly refused and tried to be a dancer. I ended up as an extra angel while my sister was proved right. Although this isn't of great theological import and nepotism is a human frailty, it occurs again and again in different Protestant churches. It makes you see a little wisdom in mandatory celibacy for priests. This church split when the AG board wanted to appoint one pastor and half the congregation wanted another one. My family left with the schismatics, but we moved again soon after to join the church that would be the bane of my adolescence.

I will mention specifics with regard to this church, because I don't know if the breadth of the issues involved can be understood otherwise. After our move, we joined Metro Christian Fellowship (which was previously called Kansas City Fellowship and then Metro Vineyard Fellowship) because my uncle went there. This church was led by Mike Bickle, a good man on the whole, but highly inexperienced and easily misled. He was under John Wimber and closely involved with Paul Cain and the Kansas City Prophets. The goings on in this church are hard to describe for anyone who has not seen them, but I'll do my best.

There is a charismatic Pentecostal end times revival movement which believes that a recent renewal of the gifts of the Spirit has occurred after an extended period in history during which they were absent. These gifts include speaking in tongues, prophecy, healing, etc. This particular movement has been dubbed "charismatic renewal" by Hank Hanegraaf and is familiar in the sensationalism of those like Benny Hinn. For a full history of its sordid past, I recommend Hank Hanegraaf's Counterfeit Revival. The character of those involved is decidedly not Christian and the basis of many of their beliefs are heretical. For example, William Branham rebaptized his followers in the name of Christ only and denied the Trinity. Metro Christian Fellowship was deeply mired in charismatic renewal revivalism and intimately connected with Joel's Army and Latter Rain beliefs.

Joel's Army (Joel 2) is the army that God will raise in the end times to be victorious over those who oppose God's church - literally in battle. The Latter Rain movement emphasizes a restoration of Christ's church in the end times. They believe the five fold ministry of prophets, apostles, teachers, pastors, and healers as well as the unity of the church will be restored in the last days for a "great harvest of souls". There are also other beliefs that did not come into my experience as much so I will not belabor those points here. All in all, theology didn't really enter into things at Metro. Everything was very experience driven. They would call on the Holy Spirit in order to "experience" God in a personal way. They claimed God was "loving on" His church and filling them up with the Spirit to get them ready for end times revivals and trials. They repeatedly encouraged people to abandon reason and so open themselves up more to the Holy Spirit. This "experiencing the Spirit" manifested as uncontrollable laughing or crying, being "slain in the Spirit" or falling flat on the ground unmoving, strange demonstrations such as barking like a dog, convulsing, visions, miraculous healings that I never saw, and prophetic words that were never verified, among other things. I went to the private school under this church for a year, and they occasionally stopped classes to accommodate the "movement of the Holy Spirit". I can remember a classmate of mine describing a vision she had of a beautiful flower, although later she admitted faking it.

Although many people do admit faking it, there are many that are sincere in these manifestations. They either sincerely experience nothing, like I did, or they sincerely experience the more bizarre behaviors. Of course, as a young person who was told that this was the power of God, it didn't occur to me that there could be another explanation. An alternate explanation is that these people worked themselves up into a frenzy. They repeat phrases, verses, and songs over and over waiting for the Holy Spirit until people start manifesting. I think the brain is wired to slip into an altered mental state when you concentrate in such a suggestive way. The effects are similar to those of kundalini awakenings brought on by Hindu gurus. To be clear, as I have been misunderstood before, I am not suggesting that these Christians tapped into their shakras and experienced awakening. I am suggesting that in both cases people abused their bodies and minds in such a way as to induce an altered mental state that may be physically, mentally, and emotionally damaging. For more information on these practices, I again recommend Counterfeit Revival.

I don't know what to think about the authenticity of the Holy Spirit moving in such a manner and whether or not God touches people through such practices. God moves in mysterious and frightening ways, like at Pentecost, and He is certainly capable of prostrating us forcibly in His presence. But He never moves in a useless or detrimental way. I do know that in my experience, and in those associated with this particular movement (like the Toronto Blessing, the Pensacola Outpouring, or the most recent Lakeland Revival), sensationalism has been used to gain an audience rather than edify the body of Christ. It has been used for renown, financial gain, and personal satisfaction. As a result, Christians focus less on Christ and more on the spiritual superstar on stage and the fantastic experiences they're chasing. Christians end up feeling abandoned, used, misguided, and distrustful from broken promises while the superstars move on to their latest ministry project. Two banners used to hang at Metro, one said "Passion for Jesus" and the other "Compassion for People" and both mission statements fell short. Little pastoring and fellowship occurs in the charismatic end times revival scene. That does not sound like God's work to me.

Whatever the origin of such manifestations, I abstained from them. I was determined not to prevent God from doing such things with me, but never to force it. As a result, nothing happened. It's strange. I felt less spiritual than those around me who performed and were prophesied over. There was an uber-spiritual in-crowd at Metro which they liked to call "forerunners", usually staff members and their families, and it was understood that they were really spiritual and God was doing something in their lives. I grew to despise them and yet still felt inferior to them for some reason. I was an every day Christian, and as such did not fit in. There was little room in the missions of this church for those who just go to work and school, go home, and do so for the Lord. Never was a sermon preached on how to live like Christ. With such little content to find there, my sister and I began skipping out on the sermons, which could run nearly two hours in length, and opted instead to visit the nearby McDonald's or hang out on the train tracks. I drifted further away from church, aided by a youth ministry with ever-changing leaders leaving to fulfill their own private mission. It didn't help that the pastor's sons would have keggers on Saturday night and try to lead us all in the Spirit of the Lord on Sunday morning.

We were perpetually promised revival, miracles, and greatness and it all fell flat. I remember once tagging along with my parents to a home group focused on growing in the prophetic. There was a woman there who was prophesied over. She was told that her desire to be a leader instead of a follower, and to not be just another one of God's sheep, would be fulfilled. I was about ten years old at the time, and I can remember thinking, "What's wrong with just being God's sheep? We can't all be leaders. They're just telling her what she wants to hear. I don't want to be a leader. I want to be His sheep."

My attendance lagged until Mike Bickle left Metro Christian Fellowship starting the International House of Prayer in an effort to revive the old practice of "contemplative" prayer. He repeatedly praises the Catholic Church for their prayerful practices, which he is often criticized for doing because, as we all know, nothing good can come from Catholics! His contemplative prayer bears little resemblance to the traditional Catholic prayers though. There is a difference between repeated prayers during which you contemplate God's glory and His mysterious and put forth your petitions, and repeated short phrases or verses that are chanted while you clear your mind and try to force the appearance and manifestation of the Holy Spirit. So I believe the kind of contemplative prayer committed at IHOP is tailored by repetitiveness to induce hyper-suggestible states like those seen above. When Mike Bickle left for IHOP, Metro Christian Fellowship split three ways. There was a remnant that remained "Metro Christian Fellowship", another group left with Mike to attend the church at IHOP, and a third group dispersed but a majority of these joined Christ Triumphant Church, or CTC.

I feel violated by the things that happened at Metro, because nobody stopped it. There were no leaders that said "This is not of God!" or kept the church grounded in reality. There was no tradition that said "Return of the gifts? They didn't go anywhere!" There was no one to correct the pastors, because Protestants have done away with earthly authority. There is nothing protecting Christians from such abuses. The Bible was used to back up everything these people had to say, and so it was proved to me first hand that the Bible can be misused to support ungodly things and its meaning can be twisted to attain the ends of those who interpret it. I can't just escape to Catholicism out of reaction to a bad experience. However, these bad experiences prove to me that Protestantism invites abuses by the very nature in which it began - that is, the spirit of self-reliance and skeptical inquiry which bucks authority.

After the congregation at Metro dispersed, my parents went searching through several churches to find one that was "alive" with the Holy Spirit and was a "good fit" for them. Among these was a Word of Faith church I attended only once. For a time, my parents settled at CTC, but my brother, sister, and I refused to go to any church as insincere and flamboyant as Metro. In an effort to lure us back, they tried to find a more conservative atmosphere. This led them to a non-denominational, start-up church that began meeting in the local theater until they gained enough of a following to fund their own building. At this time, Chris and I were engaged, so he had the privileged of attending there for a time. Then, a man from Metro started his own church (a fourth spin off), and my parents have settled there. Although this final church has refrained from the flamboyant end times revivalism found at Metro, the formula is the same: upbeat music for an hour, allowing for the Holy Spirit to guide them, and an hour from the pastor on his latest personal revelations. I do like this pastor, he even married my husband and I, and he preaches more on the every day level than the revivalists, but I felt that there was something fundamentally lacking. I don't think God's church should look like a personal effort on the part of the pastor, which is what Protestantism has become. The vitality of a church depends on the pastor's preaching and ability to gain a following. From a lack of oversight, experience, and unity, Protestants have lost their effectiveness. The "word of God is living and active, sharper than any double-edged sword" (Heb 4:12) and it should not be ineffective.

Going back in my story to shortly after Metro scattered and while my parents church shopped, I left town for college. For a time, I avoided churches altogether and it was just "me and my Bible under a tree". I never believed God wants us to be self-sufficient and so I eventually built up the courage to find a "good church", though I was incredibly gun shy after the mess I had been through. I started rather small, and attended a start-up church near my college. The atmosphere was stale and I felt like crawling out of my skin rather than returning the plastic smiles of those around me. I then attempted an Assembly of God church that a friend of a friend took us to. First we went to the young adult Bible study, which wasn't bad. Then we went to the Sunday service, though I should probably call it a Sunday exhibition. Their services were televised and the church was so massive that they had giant television screens so the people in the back could see. Not only that, but there was a camera crew roaming around on stage getting power shots of the pastor and worship team. That was more conducive to worshiping the pastor than to worshiping God.

I ended up in another Assembly of God church that was much more conservative. The pastor at this church was a good speaker and had his doctorate in physics to boot. I loved being able to relate to his off the wall references and intellectual approaches to things. I attended the Young Adults group, befriending a couple really great girls and we formed a Bible study. I was in a relatively good place when I met Chris, and wasn't expecting to be derailed from my new found security.

Through my investigations into history, theology, Catholicism, and Protestantism, I now believe that my experiences were the inevitable result of the fundamental principles of Protestantism. Hilaire Belloc wrote countless books discussing this including Survivals and New Arrivals and The Great Heresies. He believed that Protestants took the Catholic teaching that Scripture is God-breathed and turned it against the Church, elevating Scripture to a thing worthy of worship, therefore initially practicing Bible literalism and self-reliance, which necessarily led to self-contradictions and self-worship, which then devolved in not knowing who to believe and what the Bible meant at all. He believed the next step is a completely subjective religion, neo-Paganism, of which we see the fruits every day. Belloc lived and died before the charismatic renewal movement, and I wonder how he could see, over 75 years ago, that people would begin to ignore even Scripture and rely on their personal experience of God to lead them.